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вЂњYouвЂ™re being ridiculous,вЂќ they chorus again. вЂњI donвЂ™t want you to have to go through the trouble-вЂќ вЂњNo-please-itвЂ™s okay-вЂќ I try to protest but theyвЂ™re already grabbing my arms and IвЂ™m too feeble to fight back. The girls explained to me that most of the damage was internal it seems I traumatized whatever invisible bone in my body is responsible for my curse вЂњgift.вЂќ I inspect the brand-new, thinner bandage theyвЂ™ve wrapped across my knuckles. The cuts are practically healed and I can actually move my fingers now. вЂњItвЂ™s okay,вЂќ I tell them, this time more earnestly.

вЂњHowвЂ™s your hand?вЂќ they ask at the same time. Sonya and Sara glance at each other before scrutinizing my face. IвЂ™m sure IвЂ™ll be back to normal just as soon as I start moving.вЂќ вЂњReally, I should be able to manage as long as I can stay close to the wall. вЂњYou canвЂ™t walk back to the room by yourself,вЂќ Sara is saying. Because IвЂ™m fairly certain that whatever IвЂ™m about to hear isnвЂ™t going to be good.

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And IвЂ™m so afraid of what is about to happen that IвЂ™m worried I might conveniently forget how to get to my own room. Sonya told me that while I was talking to Kenji, she and Sara went to notify Castle that I was awake. I have to be strong on my feet.вЂќ I have to be strong, period.Д¬astle and Adam are waiting for me in my room. вЂњThank you-really-I-I appreciate it,вЂќ I stammer, вЂњbut I need to get the blood flowing in my legs. вЂњI really donвЂ™t need a wheelchair,вЂќ I tell Sara for the third time. Only once theyвЂ™ve zipped me up does the material begin to react to my body temperature, but IвЂ™m still so weak from being in bed for so long that IвЂ™m struggling to stay upright. Sonya and Sara are helping me out of this hospital dress and back into my normal uniform and IвЂ™m shaking in my skin. Even in my suit I feel the chill, especially early in the morning, especially right now. The air down here is cool and cold and often damp, the winter winds relentless as they whip the world above our heads into submission. вЂњLetвЂ™s get you back into your suit,вЂќ Sara says to me. I tell them IвЂ™d love to have a friend to talk to. So when Sonya and Sara smile and tell me theyвЂ™re вЂњhappy to helpвЂќ and theyвЂ™re here вЂњanytimeвЂќ and that theyвЂ™re always around if I вЂњneed someone to talk to,вЂќ I tell them IвЂ™d love that. And I think of how wonderful it would be to be friends with a girl. Maybe I should try to find a new friend or 2.

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I want to trust but it scares the skin off my bones.Д«ut then I remember my promise to Castle and my promise to Kenji and my worries over Adam and I think maybe I should take a risk.

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Stuffed so full of people places things and ideas that I donвЂ™t know how to break out of my own brain. I donвЂ™t know how to be a verb, an adverb, any kind of modifier. I donвЂ™t have a closet filled with umms and ellipses ready to insert at the beginnings and ends of sentences. I wonder at my incapacity for easy banter, smooth conversation, empty words to fill awkward moments.

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I feel myself begin to blush and I wonder at my inability to be so free with words and feelings. They saved his life and IвЂ™ve been living with them for 2 weeks and I realize, right then, exactly how selfish IвЂ™ve been. I smell the scent of jasmine filling the room, just as it did the very first time I stepped in here. Sonya stands just next to her, looking at me like sheвЂ™s worried, like sheвЂ™s sad for me, and I donвЂ™t have long to dwell on it because IвЂ™m distracted.

Pats my bare arm with her latex glove, unafraid. She sits down on the right side of my bed.

Gentle and green and squinty from smiling. I dare to meet her eyes and IвЂ™m surprised to see how soft they are.